You know I feel like my life is

by freckiejackie

You know I feel like my life is complete now? Like if I were to die right now, I would have no regrets whatsoever? Of course I have so much things I wanna do but haven’t done yet. But if I were to die at this very moment, I’d die in peace. I feel that content with my life right now. 

Firstly, a wonderful and almost perfect family that loves me(parents, grandparents, sister, people who I know would do anything and everything for me). Secondly, an annoying asshole who loves me so much that I’d never thought anyone would be able to except for my parents & sister. So much so that he taught me how to love him and myself so freely and exclusively.  Thirdly, friends who grew up with me, shared my joy, secrets, never judged me and have never left my side even when I was hard to get to. Lastly, a really comfortable lifestyle, a healthy body, a pleasant face. Exactly what more can I ask for?

I’m rarely proud. But I’m telling you today, right now, I’m proud of my life and the people who take up so much of time in my life. I don’t think I will ever explain all these to my parents or anyone because I don’t need a response. And usually when you tell someone something, a response is required. But not this post.

 

My parents always want to me plan ahead. Think 2 steps ahead. & I’m always toeing the line.  And when I step slightly out of line, I get frustrated with myself, life in general and I’d purposely dance out of the line and be so cold & distant that no one would dare come close knowing they’d get nothing but a frostbite. There are so much things I didn’t tell them, mainly because they were wayyy out of the line and I didn’t want to disappoint them further. During dinner with Uncle S and his family, I brought up a point that I want to migrate. Something I’ve always talked about subtly but my parents never took it seriously I guess. Why would they anyway? Everything I’ve done hadn’t been serious. 

Many of my friends now have this … Want to be different. Which sometimes can be a little pretentious. It just makes me wonder what the hell is age and experience doing to us. Why do we want to dramatise our life? Why live on pretense emotions? 

I wanted to study overseas in university. Away from family, friends and try to find the old me again. Change is inevitable. But I miss being.. SO happy. Like I’m on freaking drugs 24/7. I’m happy now but I’m dull. I feel dull. Like somewhere some bulb in me just blew and I’ve don’t have an extra bulb. I’m so used to being either who people want me to be or being closed up and all quiet. I want to be able to constantly live in the moment and not watch my life pass me by. I want to run free, run wild, dance the night away. Like how I am during clubbing and zumba nights. I laugh and smile a lot at my mother when we danced together. But after that, I’m back to my shell. I can’t control. Now I’m always anywhere else but in the moment. Sometimes of course, days like these, I am transported back to the moment and I just feel so content and blessed. I bask in the moment, and then when something happens or something is being said, I get affected and the whole mother freaking cycle starts again. 

Today I was served by a hearing-impaired person and I wanted to cry. But I forgot how to. Of course that’s impossible but that’s what it felt like. I just felt so damn.. Until now I still don’t know how to describe it. Amierul was asking me why was I sad and I told him I wasn’t. Which is true. I just.. Wasn’t .. No i was happy. Idk. I didn’t pity him I just feel unfair for him and everyone else like him. Every disadvantage people. How can they have something missing from their life and I have mine so perfect?! I just felt like hugging him and saying I’m sorry which would be retarded. Silly stuff. Abrupt end. 

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