Or die trying.
After a few months of not puking even after bingeing.. I caved in.
I feel powerless, useless and worthless.
Like I can’t do anything right. Anything at all.
I’m a bad student, bad daughter, bad granddaughter, bad sister, bad friend, bad girlfriend..
Since when did I become like this?!
Because I refuse. I REFUSE to allow people who are assholes and full of themselves to take away my smile. I want to laugh and smile at every single fucking opportunity I can. While I still can.
I’ll never be as young as I am right now.
If you want something really badly, don’t ask other people to give their chances to you. FIGHT FOR IT on your own accord.
Doing MANSE essay just reminded me of all those times in Year 1 and 2. I don’t know what went wrong to make our clique (the 8 girls) to be so distant nowadays. Or with my groupmates, Ray Amierul Amanda. Now we all seem to exist around one another just to get pass another day of school.
I remember when one of the days in Year2, I stained my denim shorts, Syimah stayed in the toilet with me to dry my shorts. And after class, the whole clique came into the toilet and helped me think of what to do and even lent me their shorts(HP). I just wish time wouldn’t pass so quickly.
Or how group meetings were heart-to-heart talk first then the last hour was when we started to do the real work.
I just.. okay abrupt end again.
How can I be so happy and leading such a perfect life with all around me people are broken and helpless?
You know I feel like my life is complete now? Like if I were to die right now, I would have no regrets whatsoever? Of course I have so much things I wanna do but haven’t done yet. But if I were to die at this very moment, I’d die in peace. I feel that content with my life right now.
Firstly, a wonderful and almost perfect family that loves me(parents, grandparents, sister, people who I know would do anything and everything for me). Secondly, an annoying asshole who loves me so much that I’d never thought anyone would be able to except for my parents & sister. So much so that he taught me how to love him and myself so freely and exclusively. Thirdly, friends who grew up with me, shared my joy, secrets, never judged me and have never left my side even when I was hard to get to. Lastly, a really comfortable lifestyle, a healthy body, a pleasant face. Exactly what more can I ask for?
I’m rarely proud. But I’m telling you today, right now, I’m proud of my life and the people who take up so much of time in my life. I don’t think I will ever explain all these to my parents or anyone because I don’t need a response. And usually when you tell someone something, a response is required. But not this post.
My parents always want to me plan ahead. Think 2 steps ahead. & I’m always toeing the line. And when I step slightly out of line, I get frustrated with myself, life in general and I’d purposely dance out of the line and be so cold & distant that no one would dare come close knowing they’d get nothing but a frostbite. There are so much things I didn’t tell them, mainly because they were wayyy out of the line and I didn’t want to disappoint them further. During dinner with Uncle S and his family, I brought up a point that I want to migrate. Something I’ve always talked about subtly but my parents never took it seriously I guess. Why would they anyway? Everything I’ve done hadn’t been serious.
Many of my friends now have this … Want to be different. Which sometimes can be a little pretentious. It just makes me wonder what the hell is age and experience doing to us. Why do we want to dramatise our life? Why live on pretense emotions?
I wanted to study overseas in university. Away from family, friends and try to find the old me again. Change is inevitable. But I miss being.. SO happy. Like I’m on freaking drugs 24/7. I’m happy now but I’m dull. I feel dull. Like somewhere some bulb in me just blew and I’ve don’t have an extra bulb. I’m so used to being either who people want me to be or being closed up and all quiet. I want to be able to constantly live in the moment and not watch my life pass me by. I want to run free, run wild, dance the night away. Like how I am during clubbing and zumba nights. I laugh and smile a lot at my mother when we danced together. But after that, I’m back to my shell. I can’t control. Now I’m always anywhere else but in the moment. Sometimes of course, days like these, I am transported back to the moment and I just feel so content and blessed. I bask in the moment, and then when something happens or something is being said, I get affected and the whole mother freaking cycle starts again.
Today I was served by a hearing-impaired person and I wanted to cry. But I forgot how to. Of course that’s impossible but that’s what it felt like. I just felt so damn.. Until now I still don’t know how to describe it. Amierul was asking me why was I sad and I told him I wasn’t. Which is true. I just.. Wasn’t .. No i was happy. Idk. I didn’t pity him I just feel unfair for him and everyone else like him. Every disadvantage people. How can they have something missing from their life and I have mine so perfect?! I just felt like hugging him and saying I’m sorry which would be retarded. Silly stuff. Abrupt end.
For the first time in a long looooong time..
I told a guy that I love him. It took me quite a while to say it. But I know that if I hadn’t, he would leave. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve broken his heart and pushed him away, but somehow I knew that this time, he would never come back. And I don’t ever want that to happen.
He poured his heart out to me. He explicitly told me that he love me for the first time. He told me he would give his life up for me. He told me I’m the one in his heart. I’m the one he wants. I’m the one he’s ever wanted.
It was all too much for me to take in. I couldn’t make a sound. I didn’t know what to say. He told me that I don’t love him. For a moment, I believed him. But when he looked so broken and upset with him, I realised my heart was throbbing and aching. Hey, I love this guy.
So thankful for last night’s 7hours talk. Even though when he had a hard time getting me to really talk about my feelings.
I’ve never come so far before in a relationship and I’m thankful that he’s the one.
I just don’t know if I ever will be able to break down these barriers.
I don’t know if it’s because it’s the person or it’s just me and my stupid ass bubble. FTS
Maybe I’m too sensitive to words.
Hell what am I talking about. I’m even more sensitive about actions.
I just NEVER feel adequate in this place. I thought I could maybe pride myself on a good heart since I can’t seem to excel academically. You know just sometimes.. I want to do what I want without thinking about anyone else.
I love them. I visit them. I make it a point to go at least twice during the weekdays and once during the weekend. Don’t fucking make me feel BAD for going out and enjoying myself. If he’s making me unhappy, YES. Go ahead and stop me from seeing him, from spending so much time with him.
Plus it’s not like I’m totally cancelling everyone out of my life?! I just love a lot of people okay? I have time management. I try to spend time with everyone I care about, whom I find comfort in their presence.
Another time, I stayed home so that I can have lunch with S before spending the whole day with C. But I got remarked as “not so good” just because I didn’t think about the …
Ahh fuck I can’t even finish this post without losing focus of my thoughts lol